Remembrance

[jayden]

Tagged for Claire Bedeau
Possible [W]

---

Jayden stood at the steps to the cathedral, it was slightly cloudy outside, but the sun still shone bright through the clouds. It was Valentine's Day again, a happy day for most couples but espcially not for Jayden. Not because he was dateless, again. It was the anniversary of his grandparent's death. February 14, 2007 was the second darkest day in Jayden's life. The first being the day his mother was murdered. It was when he lost the only two people who looked after himself and his baby sister, the people that raised himself and Claire. It's been a year since that dreadful day. It was today.

He took out his cellphone from his back pocket and flipped it open. He went to messages and started to text his sister.

claire. im outside of the cathedral. waiting 4 u. hurry up. - jayden

After pressing send he flipped his cellphone closed and slipped it back into his pocket. He sighed. Claire, Claire, Claire... What am I going to do with you. He looked down at the steps of the cathedral and decided to sit down. He walked over to it slowly, dragging his feet along as his head hung low. He sat down leaning back and looked to see if Claire arrived. There was only couples holding hands as they walked passed the cathedral. An occasional person walking by, holding flowers in their hand and rushing to meet their lover. He sighed buring his face in his hands. He wanted to cry, he missed them so much. It was hard now, taking care of Claire and himself while going to school and holding a job. Though working at The Sticks isn't that hard. Nobody orders food hardly, just drinks.

But he couldn't let himself go, let himself become depressed. He had no choice, he had to put a brave face on for Claire and be the man of the house. The man his father never was. A snarl started to form on his face, his father. A good for nothing man, to be dishonorable to his wife and to kill her in the process. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath trying to clear his thoughts. Today wasn't for his mother, it was for his grandparents. He slid his hands off his face and looked up to see if Claire showed up yet. He didn't see her and placed his head back down, folding his arms across his knees while he rested his head on top of his arms. He sighed starting to get slightly annoyed. Damn Claire, today's not the day to avoid my text messages. It's grandma and grandpa's day damn it. He growled mentally. I feel stupid sitting here.

[claire]

The car rolled about a block away from the church drop of, Claire had already received a text from her brother asking where she was. “Thanks for the ride, I’ll call you later.” She said, hoping out of her friend’s car from school, “Alright, and listen Claire, I’m sorry.” He said sympathetic to her and the ‘situation’. It hurt just as bad on this day as it had any other day in the past year, ever since Jayden told her what had happen, about the crash. She was still in shock, some days it was just easier to get on with life than others, today she’d already broken down a few times. “Thanks.” She said, not much to enthusiasm her voice, she hoped out of the car, the wind blowing back her hair slightly. Valentines Day. Why this day, it was supposed to be a day for love, or something like that, now it was just pain and misery that followed.

Turning off her phone trying to not imagine Jayden sitting there texting down the minutes, no fights we’re needed today at all. As she saw the church in her perefrial vision her eyes swelled with tears and suddenly she very desperately wanted to be with her brother, he was the only family she had left. Her parents had died in some accident when she was just very little, so her grandparents and Jayden we’re the only family she had. It felt like the slightest gust of wind could rip them apart now, even if she went crazy sometimes by his constant need to know where she was and wanted to strangle him, she loved him dearly and couldn’t stand to see him hurt.

Taking her time Claire walked up the pavement and walked over to her brother, he looked upset, she wasn’t blind and could see this day was just as hard for him as it was for her. “Hi, sorry I’m late, I didn’t mean to be, honest.” That was the truth. Normally, Claire would do just about anything to drive him crazy. Stay out way to late. Not call or tell him who she was with. Make plans with people he didn’t know. For most people this wouldn’t see like such a big deal for a sibling to do, but for them it was a huge deal. Although, she even had to admit, if she didn’t know where he was sometimes she might go crazy to.

Sitting down beside him on the steps she smiled a little, remembering being there so many times. How they would go to church every Sunday (well, almost every Sunday) and pray together. Coming back home and their grandmother would always give them something like a toy, or ice cream, or even hot chocolate during the colder months. “I miss them so much.” She said, already tears streaming down her face, those memories we’re special to her, and to think about them today only brought sadness. She was sure this was going to be an odd sight, her sitting outside of the church with her brother, on Valentine’s, crying her eyes out, but there was nothing she could do anymore to stop them, only wanting both of them back. To say good-bye. To have her family together.

[jayden]

Jayden looked up at her when she spoke, he sighed and half-smiled at her. "It's fine Claire, you're here now." He spoke softly, sitting up a bit. It was an awfully depressing day. He looked at her face, her eyes seem red as if she was already crying that day. He didn't blame her, he wanted to cry too. He watched her intently, she seem deep in thought. When she started to cry, he reached over and hugged her rubbing her back comfortingly. "I know, I know. I miss them too." He said softly in her ear, starting to fight his tears. But outside of the church wasn't really the place.

He pulled back away and grabbed her hand. "C'mon. Let's go inside. People won't stare at us in there." He gently pulled her up with her hand as he stood up. He looked up at the cathedral doors and started walking up the stairs towards them. He lets go of Claire's hand and digs his own hands into his pocket, hanging his head low as he stared at the ground. He feet dragged over the steps of the cathedral, slow and heavy footsteps.

When he reached doors he pushed them open, holding it open for Claire to walk in as well. He looked around. Red and white candles were lit everywhere in the church, the lovey dovey atmosphere had spread to the church as well. He sighed and took a seat in one of the corner pews. The church was mostly empty, though a scattered few where in there. He kicked down the prayer stand and knelt on top of it. Resting his arms on the back of the pew in front of him. He folded his hands and bowed his head closing his eyes. Dear God, I know I don't pray to you as often as I should but I come to you in prayer today asking for you to take care of grandma and grandpa as they have done for us. He started to tear up, a tear running down his face. Please God, take care of them up in Heaven. They were good to us, and always have been. They were good people..

He was starting to break down, his hands unfolded and he crossed his arms and started to cry into them. He wanted to scream out into the church, but he screamed it in his head. Why God, why take them away too. Why did you have to leave me just with Claire, we're all alone again. Nobody is left to help us out anymore, it's just us. Why did you damn us so God, what did we ever do wrong... He sobbed uncontrollably. It's not fair!

[claire]

The wind wasn’t the only reason Claire was beginning to shake a little bit. Her shoulders we’re hunched over as she tried to get even breaths going, her bottom lip almost non existent as she bit down on it to keep from whimpering. After a few moments she was ready to go into the church. Holding onto her brothers hand she felt like a child again, when having to hold hands to cross the streets and such things, it was almost in a way comforting right now. Stepping into the church she stared around at all the happy faces, wondering how it would look with her tear stained face. Letting go of Jayden's hand she wiped away at the salty tears until the only sign of sadness was her red eyes and sniffling.

It was very warm in the church with the burning candles, their light only stretching so far, the shadows flickering around, it was like they we're alive and feisty though there wasn't a breeze in the place. Claire followed behind her brother but put a few seats between them, just in case he needed to be aloe with his thoughts, or if she started crying again.

Bringing down the prayer stand she knelt, folding her hands together and resting her head on them. 'Okay, pray. she told herself, but no words came to her mind, only memories. A few tears had already sprung to her eyes but nothing noticeable. Claire was getting frustrated that she hadn't been able to think of a prayer, she'd done this enough times before to know how to say the words, but she was only trying to remember the good things.

With a huff she forced the thoughts and good memories out of her mind and began to pray. Dear Lord, hello, it's me, Claire. But you already knew that. Well, it's been one years since grandma and grandpa have joined you up in heaven, I hope they are alright and well, please, if you can, tell them I love them, and miss them dearly. I want to know if they are with mom and dad, with you, I'm sure they are. That's a good thing. When I die, a long time from now, I can't wait to see them again, and meet my parents. I'm sure they are all well with you. And, thank you, for Jayden. I love him and he's been very good through all of this. But I'm also worried about him, please watch over him, and keep him safe. He is after all the only thing I have left in this world...

Claire's prayer was interrupted by something that was too painful to hear, yet it rang loud and clear in her ears. Her brother was crying, but he was praying, and Claire couldn't just go and interrupt him. Her shoulders hunched in and her body crumpled into itself, sort of like when a piece of paper is thrown into a fire and shrinks into itself. 'Please Lord, watch over him.'[/] she thought, opening one eye through the tears that muffled her vision, wanting to go comfort her brother. He was always the one to be there for her, but even superman had a kryptonite.

[jayden]

Jayden clenched his fist in fury, wishing, well wanting to smash something in rage. He knew he couldn't lose his grip, especially in front of Claire. Claire... He thought to himself as he started to calm down, his sobbing slowed to tears streaming down his face as he look up at the ceiling. I know God, I know. Think about Claire. I always do. He took a deep breath closing his eyes trying to relax. There was no point of being mad at God, he had his reasons for everything. Though he never understood why God is always punishing him, it's what it felt like at least.

He wiped the tears off his face with the edge of his sleeve. He sat back down in the pew, lowering his head back down keeping his eyes closed. He sighed trying to clear his head. "Claire?" He spoke softly, in a solemn voice. "Do you think God is trying to damn us, now that we're orphans again?" He said in all seriousness, though he felt he sounded stupid when he said that. It's how he always felt, damned by God. His thoughts wandered, from his grandparents to his mother. "I just feel, so cursed sometimes. Like...I feel really bad, especially about our parents." He looked up at her then. "I know I've always said I don't remember them at all." He paused for a moment, "but I only remember what they look like." He frowned, remembering the days when he was a young child. "Mom would be proud, of you especially. You look a lot like her, just shorter. I remember her smiling a lot. I also kinda remember the day you were born, it's kinda fuzzy in my memory but I kinda do. I remember sitting at the hospital forever, then the doctor came down and said, 'You have a baby sister, do you wanna see her?' You were this tiny thing all pinkish and you were asleep while dad talked to mom about names. Dad wanted to call you Alice or Alisa I think, but mom decided on Claire." He smiled remembering her birth as more tears welled up in his eyes. Those were happy memories he kept dear to his heart. He looked over at Claire, just examining her face as tears rolled down his face.

At that moment he couldn't take it anymore, all those memories flooded back to him. His grandparents, his mother he started to cry like a child. He reached over and hugged Claire tightly and started to cry into her hair. He hated to cry in front of her, he really did. But today was special, it was one of those days where his appearance of the stuffy big brother melted into just a hurt little child who lost almost everything.

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((Gosh that was an emo post. ))

[claire]

lol emo-ness<3

___________________________

If she had her way Claire would have disappeared right then and there, in fact it was taking a lot of self control to keep from poofing into thin air, because she just wanted to stay invisible and not deal with these thoughts or feelings. Jayden looked so pained, like the pain he felt was tangible to her, although she doubted anyone else could not see the grief they both felt. Her tears stopped, although they still puddled themselves in her eyes, threatening to spill over at any moment. When she heard him call her name she looked over, trying to mask the pain she felt from hearing the hurt in his voice. Claire felt like a bad sister for not being bale to do anything more for him, but maybe if she listened it would be something, anything at all. "Yeah Jayden?" she asked, her voice quite enough for only him to hear.

Biting her lip she listened to Jayden, his thoughts and concerned. She had never thought of it as God damning them, because she never knew her parents, only the tragedy of their end. But her grandparents, well she knew them both so well, and it never felt to her like they we're gone, just not always there. They we're in heaven with her parents, and she would see them all one day. But it never ever felt like damnation. Jayden was always enough for her. Without him there, as much as he drove her crazy sometimes, he was her brother and best friend, even though it sounded funny. But it was true. Claire admits though that if he was taken away from her somehow she would feel left alone, but the possibility of that ever happening seemed so remote and unlikely.

What broke the flood gates, so to speak, was when Jayden mentioned her parents. At first their was shock that he actually remembered something, anything at all. These brought memories back of when she was little and would beg him to remember something about them even though he said he never could. Though the shock turned instantly into interest. Proud, of her? That was a very great idea, one that Claire had often wondered about when she was growing up, if she was making the right choices that would make them proud to have her as their daughter.

After Jayden shared those precious memories with her, she hugged him back as best she could, letting him cry. There weren't many occasions when Claire could ever remember him crying like this, in fact, she could count all the times on one hand. "Jayden, it's okay. No one has damned us, we're fine. Mom and dad, grandma, grandpa, they are all good people, they are in heaven now, safe and happy." she said, rubbing his back a little bit as he had done to her when they were outside. She was no longer crying, but it felt like it after all she'd cried that day.

[jayden]

As she spoke, his anger, sadness, and frustration started to fade from him. Especially after just finally being able to let out all his blah emotions. Her soft voice comforted him, her words, her tone sounded so Claire but yet again at the same time reminded him of mom. He pulled away from her, his head hanging low. Letting his hands slip away from her back to his pockets. He sighed, not bothering to wipe his tears and turned slowly facing forward to the alter.

Quiet memories flooded his mind, like flashing black and white pictures. Her smile, her eyes, the sound of her laugh, her wavy hair. He turned his glance to Claire. He pulled his left hand out of his pocket and placed a comforting arm around her, petting her hair softly. He tried to swallow his remaining tears, just trying to hold his head up as the memories continue flooding his mind in flashes. Like the ones people speak of before they die.

He closed his eyes and nodded slowly. "Yeah, up there." He slowly raised his head to look up at the ceiling. "Do you wanna go drop flowers off for them now? Or do you wanna stay here some more?" He asked quietly, looking at her intently. He hated the feeling of the air, it felt thick and humid. He just wanted to go home now, the depressing atmosphere was starting to suffocate him.

He pulled on his sleeve and wiped his wet face dry. He looked at Claire and started to wipe hers' as well. He lowered his gaze back down, probably figuring she needed more time. He knew it all too well, it was her only parental figures she ever knew. He remembered his days he spent alone when his mother died. Figured now, it made him look like an outcast, but that was then and this is now. He had to be strong for her.

[claire]

What would life be like if maybe somehow her parents hadn’t gotten in the car that day so many years ago. Before her memory could allow her to absorb those precious thoughts of her parents, would everything be different now? Well, yes of course it would. Jayden and Claire would have their parents and maybe their lives would of turned out completely different. Perhaps just maybe Jayden wouldn’t feel the need any longer to bear the burden of having to protect her from everything any longer, to maybe just be a college guys, go on dates, not worry about his little sister. Claire always felt terribly guilty for the burden she was on him, and never forgave herself for it either. If only they hadn’t gotten in that care, if only they had decided to stay home and play a game with their children, if only…

The sound of a man clearing his throat in a few pews ahead of her brought Claire back to the grim reality of the loss of her grandparents. The only parents she had come to know and love. How she had somehow made it an entire year without them was defiantly a mind puzzler, something to go in Ripley’s believe it or Not. Jayden was obviously the only reason she had made it this far, if not for him who knows where she could have wound up by now. Not that it didn’t drive her absolutely up the wall at times, but at the end of the day it was reassuring and comforting to have something to fall back on when everything else seemed so bleak and hopeless.

What pessimistic thoughts…

Claire inclined her head towards Jayden, how quickly he managed to repair the wounds that we’re tearing him apart, concealing what she knew was there from her. With a quite sigh she looked foreword, her head staring at the wooden pew. She wondered how old that wood was, how many had come here on their knees staring at the back of this pew before, begging for answers as she was. Surely the numbers we’re vast in size. Tilting her head she looked down at her lap, noticing how exactly her legs folded underneath her, how her hands creased and folded into prayer, and more importantly she felt the intense desperate to leave emitting off of Jayden.

She wasn’t ready to leave, as if good-bye a second time would be any easier, but for once she decided she needed to be strong for him, not for her own needs. “Yeah, I’m, ready.” She had to bring the words from somewhere inside of herself that she didn’t even know existed, how could she be ready? She never got her goodbye. Something inside her torn, like a piece of paper getting ripped in half by pure carelessness of the owner, she didn’t want to think about that, not now, not ever. At least, that’s what she told herself. “Let’s go do the flowers.” She said, repeating what he had said but in her own words for her mind to grasp onto.